Good-Byes

Good-Byes are never easy.  Even when you are looking forward to what is on the other end, there are always things to leave behind.  We feel so mixed with emotions these days.  In the past week all but the smallest of the small ones has cried.  Publicly.  We've had 3 good-bye parties, lots of packing, late nights, excitement, stress, sleepless nights, and all around over-whelm.

The packers come tomorrow.  What little we've decided we actually need to bring home with us will be packed up and sent off to sit at the Brazilian dock for 1-3 weeks before ever leaving the country.  The rest has gone to friends, the orphanage, the church, our maid, or people in need in our community. 

We have proven to ourselves that it doesn't take a lot of stuff to make a house a home, and so we're bringing back even less than we brought.

Though our boxes and suitcases may be fewer, our hearts are larger and our memories are greater.  There are so many people we will miss.  There is a way of life, a calmness about Horizontina that will be hard to let go of.  There is a feeling of independence being here "on our own", and also a dependence on certain people who have largely impacted our lives.

We've had a lot of good-byes.  For me, the hardest was the good-bye between M and her teacher, one of the sweetest and most caring people I have met.  I am actually crying all over again right now as I write this.  It was the most heart breaking thing to pull M away on Friday afternoon, her last day of school.  I stayed there in her classroom for more than 20 minutes after class had ended because her teacher just wouldn't put her down.  They were hugging, cheek to cheek and both with such long faces it absolutely broke my heart.  I had another one of those " what have I done to my poor child" moments.  A lot like the ones when we first arrived and I left M crying at school because she didn't want to stay.  Ironic, isn't it?

It's not that I don't know going home is for the best.  I wouldn't consider anything else.  I know there is always good with bad and tears between the smiles.  I know we'll have some adjustments to make in the next several months.  While some moments will be exciting and joyful, others will be sad and difficult.  I'm glad it's summer vacation.  At least the little people can have some time readjusting before starting a whole different kind of school.

We have varying degrees of understanding here.  Of course the adults know what it means to go home forever, however we probably don't really know what kind of adjustment there will be even for grown adults.  D is ecstatic.  He remembers so much and he's so ready to get back to grandmas and grandpas, zoos and museums, familiar restaurants and peanut butter.  He's going to miss his friends though.  He came here at the age of just really developing close friends, and he had a small class in Horizontina, so a very tight knit group.  M is excited because D is excited, but I don't actually believe she remembers much.  We've been watching home movies, looking at pictures, and talking about "home" to make it real.  I see a tough adjustment for her, but that's just my perception.  H, dear sweet H, is pretty sure we're coming back here after our "trip" to the States.  I can't explain it well enough on a 2 year old level that we're never coming back....

...because probably, we never are.  Horizontina is not an easy place to get to, and aside from DaddyHealy (who already has return tickets for later this summer) the rest of us are unlikely to ever set foot in this town again, even if we do return to Brazil.  That's a sad thought for me.  Two years of our kids' lives we can't recreate for them....at least not by driving through town reminiscing and visiting with friends.

Permanence is hard to grasp at any age, let alone 2.  I know H will adjust and be fine.  She will eventually figure out how to survive on American food, and she will someday think of our house on the Big River as home.  They all will.  Until then, we plan to do a lot of extra cuddling and talking and listening and loving.  Maybe wiping some tears (theirs and our own) and enjoying all the wonderful things that being an American and living in the States can mean.

I'm sure I'll have more to say soon, once we are stateside. Tchau Brazil.